All 4 corners of this still beating heart.
Change?
I'm ok with it.
I don't really have a choice.
seems like I've spent half my life waiting for someone
or someTHING else
to decide whats next,
And half my time responding to sudden changes
that I didn't choose for myself.
dis-empowerment from within.
Well this time - I did make them!
A complicated miscommunication
mostly mine,
put me on the spot
their way or the highway
and I like the open road
so I grabbed my stuff and took a quiet walk
not the explosive eruption
I had been fantasizing about
for well over a year
a sign of how deep my resentment had gotten
Some time to think
to ride
to be outside
to think, and think, and think,
a time to mourn an anniversary
my body remembers
my mind struggles with still
to ride
to be outside
to hide out
With her support,
I try
I look, I dig, I learn
I try to teach an old dog
to love himself
to grab myself by the balls
and spit in the wind
and take what I want
an overly bravado metaphore
for the hurting
the scared
the lonely feelings
the worry
that its all someone else's choice,
again.
She reminds me it is NOT
I try, I connect, I swallow pride
I put myself out there
a skill I have misdirected behind the bar for way too long
a character is retired
I remind myself of the fun I once had
I dig out a silly shirt, I cut off some jeans
I even threaten to wear them
(not yet...)
I laugh again
I celebrate HER
for choosing to be by my side,
even when I don't know how to say,
"help me"
she does.
And things turn,
a new job
a new feeling
a new character to play
one that seems a much better fit
one that is embedded in real community
not the one I have been falsely creating
one pint at a time
real community
integration through support
love and acknowledgement
participation
not just rhetoric
a new look
one of confidence blooming
after the rainy days of spring
and a winter unhealthy
on again off again
green the colour of growth
surrounds
and warm earthen smells
suggest the fertility of growth to come
And I will grow from all of this
how can I not.
"You think too much."
"I don't think so."
and I see what was missing
not the final piece
but the edges of this puzzle are touching
in all four corners
of this still beating heart.
I am living.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
So far, so RAD!
Is it STILL JANUARY!?!?!
It started with a costumed ride on New Years Day, and has already progressed so fast! My 43rd Birfday is right around the corner and Felice and I are already dreaming up weekend adventures in warmer climates.
Last week I had a GEM of an opportunity to take a leadership class structured around Bicycle Touring. The examples were very specific to being on bikes far from home but the concepts and the overarching ethos of the programme struck such a chord with me - it was RAD to meet so many people from all over the country that share the kinds of passions I do. These were my People.
As the class was in Florida I also got to take a minute to have a quick visit with my Dad. Hints here and there about the lifestyle choices he has made since we last crossed paths had me pretty upset, a little worried about him, and feeling distant again. I had a sense of doom leaving him to go to the class, like I wont see him for some time, or he is going to get himself into the kind of trouble I just cant bail him out of. And then the class started, and the basic tenant of "allowing people to dignity of their own suffering" was proposed, a concept that sounds like tough-love or harsh coldness on the surface but started to make sense applied to bike touring. By the end of the week my thought on the choices other people make came full circle back to where it was when I was touring solo all the time in winter months.
not my chair - not my problem
to allow people the dignity of their own suffering - to me - means not getting involved, to voice my opinion if Im asked, and to allow people the absolute right to fuck up royally. Think about all the lessons learnt from fucking up...especially the BIG ONES! Relationships I wish I could take words back, arguments in which I was the fool, wrong turns, mistakes of all shapes and sizes that have shaped the man that I am today. My Dad is clearly still on a path of growth, pushing himself to do things differently, and while I dont believe he is being as creative or healthy about his choices, he is still trying new things and thus will learn lessons of growth through the process.
And so am I. The previous post about "settling" has as much to do with continuing to challenge yourself to grow as does this concept of allowing folks to suffer. Ive jotted down my annual list of goals for the 2018 year, and Im going to continue to push myself as always, to continue the refinement process, as long as I can. My Dad, in his 70s is doing the same, his own way, based on the course of his life, and for that I can salute him.
All in All it was a good trip, got to ride a big familiar ride, hang with the Fam, meet new peeps, and enjoy some upper 70s and lower 80s!
At the end of the week it was GREAT to see a familiar face! (Is that a new shirt!?) Zachinator was in the neighborhood for his Dad's wedding and brought me a coffee and we road tripped all the way back to Boonetown. It was a great time to catch up, talk about our dads, and families, and work and all the things going on.
I surprised Felice coming home a day early and we got to have a WHOLE WEEKEND together! Running Errands never was so much fun...
Went for a hike that I have done a couple times before but Feli had not. Fun to share these places with her, weather be dammned - and always nice to feel like a bad ass hiking from an empty parking lot!
...untill on the hurry back to the car, feeling very hungry and like I shoulda been more prepared for a 7 mile hike, day dreaming of food and a cold beer I neglected a low overhanging tree branch and the inch long cut branches, one of which impaled me through the hat sending a nice steady of curses through the air, and blood down my face...
No food just yet, first a shower and three staples at the e-clinic after a 2 hour wait! UGH!
It started with a costumed ride on New Years Day, and has already progressed so fast! My 43rd Birfday is right around the corner and Felice and I are already dreaming up weekend adventures in warmer climates.
Last week I had a GEM of an opportunity to take a leadership class structured around Bicycle Touring. The examples were very specific to being on bikes far from home but the concepts and the overarching ethos of the programme struck such a chord with me - it was RAD to meet so many people from all over the country that share the kinds of passions I do. These were my People.
As the class was in Florida I also got to take a minute to have a quick visit with my Dad. Hints here and there about the lifestyle choices he has made since we last crossed paths had me pretty upset, a little worried about him, and feeling distant again. I had a sense of doom leaving him to go to the class, like I wont see him for some time, or he is going to get himself into the kind of trouble I just cant bail him out of. And then the class started, and the basic tenant of "allowing people to dignity of their own suffering" was proposed, a concept that sounds like tough-love or harsh coldness on the surface but started to make sense applied to bike touring. By the end of the week my thought on the choices other people make came full circle back to where it was when I was touring solo all the time in winter months.
not my chair - not my problem
to allow people the dignity of their own suffering - to me - means not getting involved, to voice my opinion if Im asked, and to allow people the absolute right to fuck up royally. Think about all the lessons learnt from fucking up...especially the BIG ONES! Relationships I wish I could take words back, arguments in which I was the fool, wrong turns, mistakes of all shapes and sizes that have shaped the man that I am today. My Dad is clearly still on a path of growth, pushing himself to do things differently, and while I dont believe he is being as creative or healthy about his choices, he is still trying new things and thus will learn lessons of growth through the process.
And so am I. The previous post about "settling" has as much to do with continuing to challenge yourself to grow as does this concept of allowing folks to suffer. Ive jotted down my annual list of goals for the 2018 year, and Im going to continue to push myself as always, to continue the refinement process, as long as I can. My Dad, in his 70s is doing the same, his own way, based on the course of his life, and for that I can salute him.
All in All it was a good trip, got to ride a big familiar ride, hang with the Fam, meet new peeps, and enjoy some upper 70s and lower 80s!
 |
| kidnapper van rental by chance made it easy! |
 |
| love catching these two in their natural habits! |
 |
| ...as promised. |
 |
| neighbor's dog remembered Im a sucker for a tiny dog! |
 |
| sometimes I wonder where they go when its NOT sunny and warm out! |
 |
| he's still a good cook! |
 |
| this will reappear painted on a skate deck soon... |
 |
| NO PUEDES NADAR! |
 |
| super noisy neighbors! |
 |
| this guy might still be wrapped up in my tent...? |
I surprised Felice coming home a day early and we got to have a WHOLE WEEKEND together! Running Errands never was so much fun...
 |
| cause shes not driving... |
 |
| cause you only live RHODO! |
...untill on the hurry back to the car, feeling very hungry and like I shoulda been more prepared for a 7 mile hike, day dreaming of food and a cold beer I neglected a low overhanging tree branch and the inch long cut branches, one of which impaled me through the hat sending a nice steady of curses through the air, and blood down my face...
No food just yet, first a shower and three staples at the e-clinic after a 2 hour wait! UGH!
 |
| stoked to have a full head of hair in my 40s though..."bright sides" |
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
7 has always been lucky for me...
And its been 7 friggen months since I last put anything up here.
Busy?
mmmmmm, not reeeeaaallyyy.
I mean, I guess I was, but since Felice has moved into the tiny apartment with me, and since we both had service oriented schedules, we really just spent most of our "free time" goofing, laughing, dancing, art crawling, shredding, exploring, hiking, loving, and growing as a couple together.
If you've known me for longer than the last 3 years in Booneville, then you know what a HUGE deal this is - especially for me to admit in print. (is this even print?) To have met Felice in the waning months of fall 2016 was a treat I did not expect, and one that has helped me to feel grounded, safe, and loved - feelings I have associated with the notion of "home" in my other writings over the years, feelings that I have had to carry with me as they were never associated with a particular place, but a place in my thoughts and feelings reserved for friends and loves along the way. And the notion of "home" has been as elusive as the notion of "balance" for this Pisces, both ideas perplexing me as I pack up and leave another mediocre town, or start looking for the next job or relationship that will be enough, but not so much as to make me feel "stuck" or "settled."
OOOF! SETTLED...... the very mention of the word makes me cringe still.
What is it to settle really?
Is it a compromise - and if so, between what extremes.
Is it to strike a balance between phases in life - again the binaries come to mind, a time of frivolity and care-free attitudes contrasted with the ideas of adulthood, and growing the fuck up.
Settling always sounds so negative - settling for something slightly less (or sometimes way less) than the thing you originally wanted, or settling for a "reality" when what you hoped for was only an implausible dream, concocted of fantasy and the countless impressions the Disney franchise shoved down our squishy, impressionable brains when our parents turned on the TV to calm our rambunctious impulses.
What is it about the verb to settle that makes us so nervous?
A quick google definition search brings up the following:
1) resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).
No where is there mention of settling a new land, or the settlers who pioneered all those pour-over coffees and overpriced homes by pushing their way out west... which I guess would be a positive thing...
I have always managed a tricky balance between feeling a part of something where-ever I call home-for-now and the need to keep moving, keep planning, keep exploring, keep looking for the next thing. I find myself closing 2017 and starting 2018 with a profound feeling of having found everything I need, all the pieces, for a feeling more full than ever before. I struggle with how these pieces might fit together but I know they are here, and that's HUGE coming from someone who has spent a lot of time thinking about what was missing.
Pessimism? Yeah a little bit - but I've always had a good, albeit maybe just too-complicated-to-argue-with justification speech to explain the positive uses of a pessimistic mindset. But I just cant justify that right now.
2017 saw a rapid, healthy, and deep understanding of self through the lens of another. I feel like I have grown so much in a short year by being Surrounded and Lost with Ms. Felice Ann Fairfield Manget. We have created a deeper relationship in a year than I have ever felt with another person and it feels like a charge of electricity to an already overactive imagination.
Settling? HARDLY! I'd tolerate more than I should at my age for a looker like her across my dinner table! But she don't dish it out! What she does is slowly simmer that part of me that used to own a whole box of tutus. That's right, TUTUS. I used to own several, at least 4 colors, one-size-fits-most, for that you-don't-have-a-costume for-this....no-worries-there-is-a-tutu-in-the-truck kind of lifestyle I was rocking when I was at the height of my no-fucks-given, lets get the party started merriment. Before my Mom died honestly. I hadn't really considered how much that shock had changed who I was until this weekend, when the opportunity to ride my favorite trail in the freezing cold, with a handful of brave souls who rode what they had, and what they had was a blast. A group ride with new friends, just for FUN! and my first ride in costume in a very long time. at one point I looked at Felice and thanked her, for bringing out that side of me that has lain dormant far too long.
"I used to have so many Tutus." I said with a kind of remorseful sad longing in my voice. She just laughed. An honest to goodness laugh - the kind you share when something strikes you funny with someone you love.
Still not settling - just gonna work on this puzzle for a bit, make these pieces fit, cause they are all here, I just KNOW IT!
more to follow...
Busy?
mmmmmm, not reeeeaaallyyy.
I mean, I guess I was, but since Felice has moved into the tiny apartment with me, and since we both had service oriented schedules, we really just spent most of our "free time" goofing, laughing, dancing, art crawling, shredding, exploring, hiking, loving, and growing as a couple together.
If you've known me for longer than the last 3 years in Booneville, then you know what a HUGE deal this is - especially for me to admit in print. (is this even print?) To have met Felice in the waning months of fall 2016 was a treat I did not expect, and one that has helped me to feel grounded, safe, and loved - feelings I have associated with the notion of "home" in my other writings over the years, feelings that I have had to carry with me as they were never associated with a particular place, but a place in my thoughts and feelings reserved for friends and loves along the way. And the notion of "home" has been as elusive as the notion of "balance" for this Pisces, both ideas perplexing me as I pack up and leave another mediocre town, or start looking for the next job or relationship that will be enough, but not so much as to make me feel "stuck" or "settled."
OOOF! SETTLED...... the very mention of the word makes me cringe still.
What is it to settle really?
Is it a compromise - and if so, between what extremes.
Is it to strike a balance between phases in life - again the binaries come to mind, a time of frivolity and care-free attitudes contrasted with the ideas of adulthood, and growing the fuck up.
Settling always sounds so negative - settling for something slightly less (or sometimes way less) than the thing you originally wanted, or settling for a "reality" when what you hoped for was only an implausible dream, concocted of fantasy and the countless impressions the Disney franchise shoved down our squishy, impressionable brains when our parents turned on the TV to calm our rambunctious impulses.
What is it about the verb to settle that makes us so nervous?
A quick google definition search brings up the following:
1) resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).
2) adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home. (HA! Yeah RIGHT!)
3) sit or come to rest in a comfortable position.
3) sit or come to rest in a comfortable position.
I have always managed a tricky balance between feeling a part of something where-ever I call home-for-now and the need to keep moving, keep planning, keep exploring, keep looking for the next thing. I find myself closing 2017 and starting 2018 with a profound feeling of having found everything I need, all the pieces, for a feeling more full than ever before. I struggle with how these pieces might fit together but I know they are here, and that's HUGE coming from someone who has spent a lot of time thinking about what was missing.
Pessimism? Yeah a little bit - but I've always had a good, albeit maybe just too-complicated-to-argue-with justification speech to explain the positive uses of a pessimistic mindset. But I just cant justify that right now.
2017 saw a rapid, healthy, and deep understanding of self through the lens of another. I feel like I have grown so much in a short year by being Surrounded and Lost with Ms. Felice Ann Fairfield Manget. We have created a deeper relationship in a year than I have ever felt with another person and it feels like a charge of electricity to an already overactive imagination.
Settling? HARDLY! I'd tolerate more than I should at my age for a looker like her across my dinner table! But she don't dish it out! What she does is slowly simmer that part of me that used to own a whole box of tutus. That's right, TUTUS. I used to own several, at least 4 colors, one-size-fits-most, for that you-don't-have-a-costume for-this....no-worries-there-is-a-tutu-in-the-truck kind of lifestyle I was rocking when I was at the height of my no-fucks-given, lets get the party started merriment. Before my Mom died honestly. I hadn't really considered how much that shock had changed who I was until this weekend, when the opportunity to ride my favorite trail in the freezing cold, with a handful of brave souls who rode what they had, and what they had was a blast. A group ride with new friends, just for FUN! and my first ride in costume in a very long time. at one point I looked at Felice and thanked her, for bringing out that side of me that has lain dormant far too long.
"I used to have so many Tutus." I said with a kind of remorseful sad longing in my voice. She just laughed. An honest to goodness laugh - the kind you share when something strikes you funny with someone you love.
Still not settling - just gonna work on this puzzle for a bit, make these pieces fit, cause they are all here, I just KNOW IT!
more to follow...
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